6 Tips to Enhance Your Relationship with Your Children

Domestic Violence Awareness and Prevention

May 1

When a 17-year-old called the helpline claiming abuse and wanted shelter because she was running away, my heart broke because this was not an isolated incident and it wasn't going to stop her. I asked if she had been physically abused and she responded “No”. She said she just felt like she had a toxic home, and that her parents were verbally and psychologically abusive and she wanted to get out as soon as she would turn 18.

In another incident, a 13-year-old called from his room: he was on the verge of committing suicide and his parents were right outside, completely unaware. His biggest complaint was that he was receiving serious pressure from his parents.

A report of child abuse is made every 10 seconds in the US, and there were 4 million maltreatment reports made in 2021.

In fact, it is estimated that at least 1 in 7 children have experienced child abuse or neglect in the US in the past year including physical, sexual, or psychological abuse.

We like to think that it doesn't affect the Muslim community, but it does. The only difference is that we try to brush it under the rug and think, “if we don't acknowledge it, it will go away”.

As a result, more and more teenagers are running away from home, complaining of toxic environments, and even committing suicide.

The point of this is not to scare you, but to create awareness of what is happening in our community and in our society. We have to all wake-up and work actively to make a change.

As Hillary Clinton said, “It takes a village to raise a child.”

Let's not consider ourselves alone or isolated as we raise our families. let's be the village that helps each other raise our children in the best way possible.”

Below are some tips we can use to create secure relationships with our children. Having a strong family relationship is the best protective factor in preventing child abuse. The most important thing is to make our homes a safe haven for our children, so they can flourish and have the strength to deal with all the outside pressures of the world.

1. Connect before you correct

Extensive research shows that we cannot influence children in a positive way until we create a connection with them- sometimes it's more important to heal the relationship or keep the relationship strong rather than correcting the misbehavior. In order to connect, you need to:

Listen - Ask them why they are doing something
Open Up - Don't immediately judge the action or create your own story, be open to their side and then calmly express your side
Validate - Acknowledge them, let them know it's ok to be upset, but it's how it's handled that matters. Ensure they know that you love them and accept them regardless and be sure to focus on the positive over the negative. Appreciate their small and big accomplishments letting them know you're proud of them. This will help them develop self-compassion.
Explain - Give them a positive lesson that can impact them rather than just presenting punishment(https://endcan.org/2022/06/16/connection-before-correction/)

Make an effort to spend quality time on a regular basis. This can be as simple as going for a walk or cooking a meal together, or it can involve more structured activities like playing a game or going to a concert. Whatever you do, make sure it is an activity that your teen enjoys and that allows you to connect with them on a deeper level.

2. Communication

This is key when it comes to building a strong relationship with your teen. Show genuine interest in their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Try to create an open and non-judgmental space where your teen feels comfortable sharing with you. This means don’t be reactive. Focus your attention on what they are saying, rather than on your own thoughts or distractions. Pay attention to their body language, tone of voice, and the emotions they are expressing. Reflect back on what you are hearing to ensure you have understood them correctly.

3. Be supportive:

Teens need support and encouragement from their parents, even if they don’t always show it. Be there for your teen when they need you, and offer support and encouragement when they face challenges. Celebrate their successes, and help them learn from their mistakes. Also, know their friends and welcome them to your home.

4. Respect their independence:

As your teen grows and develops, they will naturally want more independence. While this can be difficult for parents, it is important to respect your teen’s need for autonomy. Give them the space and freedom to make their own decisions, while also being available to offer guidance and support when they need it.

5. Set boundaries

While it is important to respect your teen’s independence, it is also important to set boundaries to keep them safe. Establish clear rules and expectations around things like curfews, screen time, and what is permissible and not permissible in your home. Be consistent in enforcing these rules, while also being willing to listen to your teen’s perspective and negotiate when necessary.

6. Manage expectations: Adolescence is a time of change and growth, and it is important to recognize that your teen is going through a period of transition. Be realistic about your expectations, and don't put undue pressure on your teen to meet your expectations. Instead, focus on setting goals together and working towards them as a team. Also, remember to always be kind.