The Reality of Domestic Violence in the Muslim Community

“The scars you don't see are the hardest to heal” -Astrid Alauda

Domestic Violence (DV) is real, it's dangerous and it's rampant in all communities with the Muslim community being no exception. DV education and awareness must be prominent throughout the year and not only in October or after a homicide has occurred. Are we truly aware of what Domestic Abuse means?

Awareness: Key to Prevention 

The National statistics are a staggering 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner according to the NCADV- yet we all know that this number is highly understated, especially in the Muslim community. There are so many women, men, and children who are part of the cycle of abuse, who may not even know that what they are experiencing is family violence. Until you're able to identify a problem, you cannot solve a problem. That is why awareness is key to prevention. I want to share with you the realities of what we see come through our doors every day and give you a glimpse of what is actually happening around you.

Definition and Examples:

Domestic Violence is defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. This includes but is not limited to physical violence, and emotional, psychological, verbal, financial, and sexual abuse. 

Though most of us have heard this definition, do we really consider certain things or situations as abuse?

1) Though we all know that physical abuse is Domestic violence,  is it still domestic abuse if the incident only occurred once or twice? Or if the abuse seemed small or minor compared to what you have heard or seen in others or on TV? OR even if he stopped abusing you when you became obedient or stopped arguing for yourself and gave up your right to express your own points of view?

First of all, let's start by saying there is no excuse for abuse! Secondly, almost all studies show that if a partner has injured you once, it is likely he or she will do it again and it will escalate. Finally, it's not ok if you have to give up who you are in order to stop the abuse- this will catch up with you and destroy you from within.

Actual case: Sumaya had a master’s in biochemistry and loved life-  when she got married 12 years ago, she never thought her life would be like this- her husband said he loved her but was never happy with anything she did- though he was rarely actually physically violent, the threat was always there-  the one or two times he hit her- she felt like it was her fault because she didn't listen to him. She was so scared of him, especially when he shattered the dishes or threw things around the house in anger -She spent all her time finding ways to please him but something was always wrong- she changed her friends, the way she dressed, movies he liked-yet he was always angry, upset - told her she was undeserving of anything -he would give her the silent treatment and not talk to her for days and even cut off electricity and internet when he wasn't home. She could feel herself diminishing but had resigned to her fate truly believing she was worthless. One day she caught him cheating on her and this too was her fault he said -He had destroyed the woman she was only to betray who she had become and it shattered her very being.

2) Is it still really abuse if no physical injury is involved? He has never actually hit you?

Emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse can be just as bad if not much worse than physical abuse. Emotional abuse can shatter your self-esteem, cause excess anxiety, and leave you feeling numb and disconnected. Some common forms of this kind of abuse are yelling, name-calling, shaming, isolation, blaming, degrading, silent treatment, fear tactics, and threats of physical violence.

Actual case:  Maria could barely speak when she first came-her hands constantly shook and she was consistently looking down-she had been married for 15 years and had 3 children-

He had told her she was good for nothing her whole married life -so she believed it.

He had stopped her from talking to her family because they were instigators and would ruin their relationship - her mom told her to listen to him because “at least he wasn't physically violent like her dad had been” He told her she was lucky to have him, he was the provider and her role was to take care of him and the kids. So though she had a bachelor’s from back home, she never worked. He told her what she could wear, and who she could hang out with, tracked her location, and knew her phone password but she didn't know anything about his stuff- he demeaned her every chance he got, swore at her, and yelled at her many times in public as well.

She went to his sisters and his brothers, even his mother, asking them to please help her - she was dying inside; they told her she was crazy-she had a nice house, a car-what more did she want? What was she expecting in life? Life wasn't a bed of roses?

What made her seek help? When her 13-year-old daughter started imitating her dad and putting her down-it broke her heart enough to seek help.

3) What is financial abuse? 

Financial abuse occurs when your partner strictly controls your finances, withholds money or credit cards, withholds things like food or basic necessities, cuts off electricity at times just to spite you, restricts spending, and prevents you from choosing your own career or working.

Actual case: Hanya had been married for 10 years and had an 8-year-old son - she didn't know a word of English, had no idea what a bank account was, how much her husband earned, what her bills were, and had never worked outside the house. She never spoke to her family back home because he “didn't like it” When he left her and her son one day, she had no idea that she had over $75000 of debt in her name, no car, no assets and she was about to be evicted with no one to help her. When she turned to his family for help, they said that she wasn't good enough for him and had done nothing to  “ improve herself”, she deserved what she got and they would not interfere in “Domestic matters”

4) Once a woman leaves and gets help, the abuse is over, right?

WRONG. If children are involved, she will have to deal with them on a regular basis. Even if she doesn't see him and they communicate through APPs, it is highly likely he will have joint custody or visitation, especially in Texas. If he was already an abuser and there hasn't been any intervention, he will want to regain that power and control and he will do it through the children-

Actual case: Maheen had been married for 15 years and divorced for 2,

She had 4 children all under the age of 10. She had come to us while she was going through her abusive situation and we helped her get housing, and counseling, she had never worked before, and we helped her start her career and get a job and car-  she got primary custody and her ex had to pay minimum child support as all his income was under the table and unreported. Though he didn't have enough money for child support, he did have enough money to buy a house while she was in a two-bedroom apartment, he had enough money to buy a brand new car while she was using the car we donated to her- and he did have enough money to constantly hire lawyers to do case after case on her for one thing or the other related to petty issues of custody. Because of this, she was never able to move beyond the minimum, she was constantly bogged down by his threats and legal issues. He would poison the kids against her and her family every time they visited him until they started cussing at her and calling her names. He even paid them to be rude to her family- until one day, he was able to reverse custody- he couldn't stand to see her succeed and reminded her that he had told her before she left that if she ever left, he would make sure she had nothing- but she is resilient, positive and strong she is a survivor! 

5) When the abuse is overbearing and obvious with rampant physical abuse-why doesn't she just leave?

Actual case- There are countless cases of rampant physical abuse, strangulation, constant beatings, bruises, and more - yet they end up going back or staying in the relationship-why? He is able to emotionally manipulate her into thinking he will change- yet he doesn't actively do anything to change so the behavior reoccurs- he is remorseful and so sorry- says if she hadn't provoked him….. 

• Sometimes she stays for the kids - they need both parents right?

• Sometimes it's about “what society will say?”

• Sometimes her self-esteem has been so shattered, she doesn't believe she can succeed

• There are so many reasons  but by the time she comes to us- she is usually  at a point of no return

Reality: Unless there is the active participation of both parties for change, the abuse will not only continue but get worse.

Children are not better off in the toxic environment of abuse- the fear and anxiety they grow up with can cause severely detrimental physical and mental health issues for children immediately and throughout their life. 90% of all batterers saw or lived in a home with family abuse as a child. 

Honestly, the list of abuse is so diverse and so long, I can write a book and it wouldn't do justice.

I leave you today to ponder on these stories, reflect on what is going on around and think about your role as a member of society in preventing this from elevating.